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Paddys Day Jokes (Ideal for the Bars & Pubs)


Paddys Day Jokes (Ideal for the Bars & Pubs)

Irish Jokes for St Patricks Day

What sums up a good St. Patricks Day is the craic, the drinking and the fun, which got Inspire thinking. What are some of the funniest Paddy jokes, so with full political correctness to one side, here you go:

Lunch Break

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and Paddy Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I’m going to jump off this building.”

Paddy Englishman opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Ham and English mustard again! If I get ham and mustard one more time I’m going to jump off, too.”

Paddy Scotsman opened his lunch and said, “Haggis again. If I get a haggis sandwich one more time I’m jumping too.”

Next day Paddy Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

Paddy Englishman opens his lunch, sees ham and English mustard and jumps too.

Paddy Scotsman opens his lunch, sees the haggis and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral Paddy Englishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of ham and mustard I never would have given it to him again!

Paddy Scotsman’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him cheese! I didn’t realise he hated haggis so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at Paddy Irishman’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me” she said. “He makes his own lunch”

Three Paddys in a Bar

Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman

One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: “AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!”

Two Drunk Paddys

A bar is empty except for two patrons. One of them staggers over to the other and says, “How’s it going? Where you from?”

The other guy says “Ireland.”

The first drunk says “That’s cool! I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have a round for Ireland!” They both drink merrily.

Then the first guy says “So where in Ireland are you from?”


“Dublin? Awesome! I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another round for Dublin!” Once again, they both drink merrily.

Then the first guy asks, “So where did you go to school?”

“St. Mary’s, class of ’62” answers the other guy.

“Incredible! I graduated in ’62 from St. Mary’s, too! Let’s have a round for St. Mary’s!” Once again, they suck down another round.

Just then, one of the bar regulars walks in and sits at the bar. He asks the bartender, “So what’s going on today?”

The bartender answers, “Nothing… The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

Paddy Died in a Fire

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over”.

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

“What? He had two arseholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes….'”

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